Embracing Loneliness
As the air begins to crisp with hints of fall approaching (my favorite season) I’ve been shifting back into school mode after being on Summer hiatus. I’ve been diligently working on my book and I’m pleased (and in ongoing awe) with how its purpose/essence continues to emerge and solidify. I have also enjoyed sweet opportunities to be with dear friends and and spend delicious time outside: definite highlights of an otherwise quiet summer![gallery ids="706,704,705,708,707" type="rectangular"]These last few months have also been a valuable time of reflection as I’ve been thinking a lot about loneliness, which has been one of the most prevalent and chronic experiences of pain in my life since I was very young. At times the loneliness is nothing more than a whisper in the background, while in other instances it is an acute, deep feeling of despair and longing for connection, accompanied by grief over the yearning for what feels absent, unavailable or unobtainable (intimacy, fellowship, presence).After a super rainy winter, my apartment attracted ants for the first time in nearly 10 years and I had to laugh at myself as I thought, “I have been lamenting that I am lonely, after all.” The deep, internal loneliness feels more akin to isolation, which I think of as taking multiple forms. For instance, one form of isolation results from the limitations of my impairments prohibiting me from being as active or able to connect as I desire; another form of isolation is the feeling of separateness, not being understood, and being excluded that I navigate in my every day life. These examples of isolation perhaps mirror experiences of feeling lonely, in the former, and alone in the latter.Recently I have been shifting my relationship with feeling lonely and alone by recognizing that these experiences are likely to accompany me in some form of ebb and flow for the rest of my life in this existence. After years striving to get away from these feelings, and much time spent grappling with loneliness and feeling alone in an attempt to understand with the hope of ameliorating (or, let’s be honest, eradicating) these experiences, I’m entering a new era with the intention of accepting loneliness and feeling alone as worthy parts of my experience and myself.With this evolving perspective comes a greater trust and conviction that I am worth people in my life feeling sincerely excited to get to know and spend time with me. I have been experiencing an increased awareness with how my feelings of loneliness and my boundaries (with others and within myself) interplay: I feel the most isolated not from spending time alone (time by myself is critical for me and a great gift) but from the heartache of not being valued or “seen“ when I share myself with people who don’t have the desire, presence, and/or skill to connect deeply and authentically.I am struck by how much more satisfaction—and relief—I am experiencing by valuing myself through being increasingly conscious of who I share my emotional, energetic and other resources with. This discernment makes me ever more appreciative for the people and creatures in my life who deliberately connect deeply and authentically. Thank you.
Nearly all of us need community, connection, purpose and pleasure. With this in mind, I share with you some recent sources of inspiration in my world for your perusal:
Great article on identifying as disabled as a form of empowerment by Anjali J. Forber-Pratt, Ph.D. (who also has a Canine Companions for Independence service dog!): Yes, you can call me disabled
Ailment, a new journal chronicling illness narratives founded by Erin Catherine Batog: Ailment: Chronicles of Illness Narratives
The Health Justice Commons and recently launched medical abuse hotline, directed by my awesome Colleague Mordecai Cohen Ettinger: Health Justice Commons
And last but absolutely not least, the soon-to-be-released Well Pleasured Podcast created by my dear friend/family person Dr. Pavini Moray who is also spearheading Wellcelium, a new online school for sex, intimacy and relationship skills: Wellcelium-The Well Pleasured Podcast
As ever, my immense love and appreciation for you all. Thank you for the witnessing, purpose and pleasure you bring to my life and to others.Love,Ma’ayanP.S. Yes, the rumors are true: I will be featured in a future episode of The Well Pleasured Podcast discussing pleasure as a person with chronic pain and illness. So be sure to sign up for the email list: Wellcelium-The Well Pleasured Podcast!